Every year we promise to be nicer, avoid gossip, lift grudges and be all around better people. Realistically, these promises last for one to three days – the two days of Rosh Hashanah and the one day of Yom Kippur – or maybe even the ten days of Aseret Y’mei Tshuva if we are really dedicated. What about after?
According to Forbes, 80% of people ditch their New Year’s resolutions by the end of the new month. While this study refers to the Gregorian New Year rather than Rosh Hashanah, the tendency to stray away from one’s goals is universal.
With a stronger emphasis on perfection for many during this approximate 0.8% of the year that we sit in synagogue and fully immerse ourselves in the Jewish expectations for acting appropriately, we forget the true meaning of the Jewish High Holy Days: reflecting on the past and improving for the future.
One of the key focuses throughout the Jewish month of Elul, the month leading up to the Jewish High Holy Days, is teshuvah, or repentance. We blow the shofar, say selichot (prayers for forgiveness) and do tashlich (a ritual to send away our sins in water), all in order to reflect on our actions from the past year and decide on how we can improve.
Despite this focus on the past and future, I find that often during this time a stronger emphasis is put on being better while in synagogue on Rosh Hashanah or passing time during Yom Kippur. Then, quickly after the holidays, we revert to our old habits.
Although I see value in trying to be the best version of oneself specifically while davening or observing the Aseret Y’mei Tshuva, amending one’s actions during the small period of the High Holy Days does not truly embrace the idea of teshuvah.
Being a better person than last year does not mean being a perfect person when we believe God is judging us most closely. In reality, as humans, we are fundamentally imperfect and I don’t believe God expects us to embody perfection.
It is unrealistic to avoid speaking lashon hara or holding grudges altogether in the coming year. This is often when people fail. We enter the new year with unrealistic goals, and end up in a cycle where, the next year on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we apologize for not having fulfilled the last year’s promises.
Instead, start small. Allot a day each month to give tzedakah. Begin saying an additional prayer in the morning or at night. Select a day each week to not speak lashon hara during morning break. According to a study from the National Institutes of Health (NIH), creating these smaller goals is the most effective way to create long lasting habits as their achievability is encouraging. The study found that when people set unrealistic goals, they become discouraged by their failure.
While small changes aren’t as satisfying as the typical post-Rosh Hashanah goals of getting rid of all bad habits, they bring us toward the larger goals of the process of teshuvah by encouraging effective personal growth.
As we progress through the month of Tishrei, consider that the new year does not demand a completely new version of oneself. Setting smaller but realistic goals and allowing oneself to make mistakes throughout the year is crucial for true development.
