A shady guide to surviving high school

Mijal Altmann, Outgoing Style Editor

At the beginning of every school year, I look at my schedule and what I see is a list of teachers I’d like to friend. In all of my years at JDS, the one thing that I know has been invaluable is the role models that I have been able to learn from.

So without further ado, here is Mijal’s Declassified Teacher Survival Guide.

For the sake of anonymity, I will not name the people that I based this off of. If you must know, however, I have scattered their names randomly throughout this column. Good luck.

For the physics teacher who loves Chik-Fil-A, negotiate grades over food and Coke Zero. Trust me, it works. I once swapped my hot lunch (breakfast for lunch) for an A-. (JK)

For the Arab-Israeli Conflict teacher, subtly change your tone over time to make it sound like his native Boston accent. If you need help, repeat “He parks the car at Harvard Yard” in the accent five times before every class. You’ll be speaking like his parents in no time, and he will subconsciously be unable to fail his parents. You’re welcome 🙂 .

For the Argentine Spanish teacher with just about five hundred different diplomas in Spanish Literature, constantly bring up your Argentinian family. Wait. That might just apply to me. Sorry; in that case, just do the homework.

For the Modern Jewish History teacher who was recently pregnant, take a strong interest in her family. Don’t believe me? I am the godmother of Matan Wilkenfeld. You think that’s a joke but it’s not. Ask anyone.

For any Hebrew teacher, if you forget a word while speaking, don’t worry. Just put “Atziah” at the end of any English word and it will sound like Hebrew. If you don’t do this then you’re just a foolatziah.

For the FAT teacher (function analysis and trigonometry. I’m not completely savage), literally just be yourself. She loves everyone and everyone loves her. #Ballin’

For the Anatomy teacher, take a strong interest in dissecting cats.

For the Genetics teacher, do NOT under ANY circumstances, take a strong interest in dissecting cats.

For the Dean of Academics, ALWAYS wear both a kippah and a skirt in dress code. It doesn’t matter what gender you are.

For any teacher, be kind, courteous and intuitive about what ways you can psychologically manipulate them for your benefit.

On a serious note, I want to say this. At the end of ninth grade, I almost left JDS because I was unhappy with my experience. I am confident that I made the right decision in staying in this school, because all of my teachers have helped mold me into the person that I am today and I doubt that I would have been able to get this experience anywhere else.

To all of the teachers that I have had here at JDS, I just want to say that you have changed my life, and for that I thank you.