Like many high school students, I have spent the past four years obsessed with what people say about me. Is it praise? Criticism? It took time, but ultimately I realized I needed to shut out the chatter and listen to myself.
Being talked about, whether good or bad, hurts. I remember on the last day of my junior year, one of my teachers was telling students about their first impression of each of us. When the teacher got to me, they said, “To be honest, I didn’t hear good things about you,” followed by, “but you proved them all wrong, and I’ve enjoyed having you in class.”
Whether this was meant as an insult or compliment is irrelevant – it made me feel horrible. I always work towards being a positive presence in different spaces, and hearing people’s negative perceptions of me hurt.
Similarly, I have experienced many instances of being a topic of gossip among peers. There have been times when my actions were immature, mean and deserving of criticism, but hearing how stories were misconstrued often negatively impacted my self-image.
I specifically remember one instance during sophomore year. A discussion about me on a group chat was led by a peer who I didn’t always get along with, and after seeing screenshots, I remember feeling defeated and disgusted by myself and wanting to change.
For a lot of high school, I let gossip define me. I tried to make my actions bolder than their talk, deliberately acting in a way that wasn’t authentic. I tried to make my peers realize that what they thought about me wasn’t true. However, building a false persona was exhausting.
In May of my sophomore year, I discovered how insignificant this gossip really was. I was up late at a friend’s house, feeling anxious after overhearing girls talking about me that day. Instead of defending them or blowing off my concerns, one of my friends said something that changed my perspective: that what these girls were saying was irrelevant, as I wasn’t even friends with them.
By senior year, I finally realized that it is okay if people don’t like me; they don’t have to! I’ve accepted that not everyone will understand my personality, and that the people who deserve to know me will. More than that, I have learned to stop entertaining gossip and to just let them talk.
As I leave CESJDS, I depart with true friends who don’t care whether I’m being talked about. I depart with the knowledge that no matter what people are saying about me, I like myself, and that counts more than anything else.
